People always want what they can't have. People are always their own harshest critics. And on top of that, when it comes to other people, the bad stuff is always easier to believe. So why exactly is it, that we judge ourselves so harshly, that we can never seem to satisfy our own expectations as well as those of others? Why is it, that we're constantly looking for a reason that we need to be even better, that our achievements are only a stepping stone, that who we are is just average? Or maybe that's just me.
Today, I was told that my confidence is pretty damn low. I disagreed. I don't think I'm all that uncertain of myself; who I am, what I've achieved, what I'm good at. I think I'm overly modest sometimes, but never overly insecure. Except when it comes to one thing: performing. When I was 16, my drama teacher told me that I was too heavy, and not talented enough to be an actress, so she didn't want to waste her time on me. I guess that kind of stuck with me, because I haven't been able to stand on a stage and actually open my mouth, in front of people ever since.
Part of me is thankful to her for being a first class bitch, because it launched me into my pursuit of the visual arts: painting, art school, and eventually photography and film-making. Which, by the way Mrs King-Lachance, I excel at! Actually, I'm so good at it, that the University I attend wants to use my BA film to promote their MA program. Also, fuck you just for good measure. The other part of me, the tiny, 16 year old, self-discovering teenager, is screaming at the top of hear lungs at my 25 year old self to stop torturing herself with this new found hobby called voice-lessons. Because, as much as I've decided I need to conquer my fears and do something for myself instead of other people, I still haven;t gotten over the fact that so many people in the past have told me not to bother. Those who have told me not to care, and do what makes me happy, are somehow drowned out. Even if they are more recent, and belong to more valuable people.
I refuse to believe I am the only person who does this. As an anthropologist, and a little bit for my own piece of mind, I have to argue that this is behaviour that occurs in all kinds of people. Even those who are winning at life. The truth is, I haven't done so badly for myself. I almost have a masters degree in athropology, I have amazing friends, I take a mean photo of naked ladies, and I even manage to look kind of pretty on a good day. So why is it that, when it comes to my voice lessons, I become an unsteady, sticky-handed, nervous wreck? Are those voices from the past really so loud that I can drown them out? Do they need to be, do I want them to be, do I let them? Why is the negative so much easier to accept then the positive. Even worse, why is the negative so much easier to believe than the positive? Both must occasionally be equally as true, and neither can be so overpowering of the other. Everyone is good at something, and no one is good at everything, right?
I manage to sing pretty loudly along to spotify when I'm home alone. Even at 2AM on a weeknight, and sometimes, it really doesn't suck. But when I'm with my voice-coach, or even worse, in front of people, all I can tell myself is "I can't do it". Telling myself that actually makes it so that I physically, actually, can't do it. So then, why doesn't it help when I tell myself that "I can", or someone else tells me? It works when I, or someone else, tells me the opposite...
Silly creatures, we. Well, me. Silly as I am, I'm a really decent baker. You should taste my Chocolate Ganache and Raspberry Tart. I'm a relatively independent, intelligent young woman. I'm caring and selfless, and I'm also really good at making other people see the beauty in themselves, albeit with photography or words. Now, it's time to learn how to do that to myself.
