My thesis is finished. It's not very good, but at least it's good enough. For a little while it looked like I might not be able to start my Master this September, which would have meant a whole year of financial, emotional and scholarly stress. Thankfully, I had the choice between mediocre thesis/start in September and taking an extention/awesome thesis/possibly no Master at all due to financial stress. It wasn't a hard choice for me really, the idea that I finsih my Bachelor with a great grade but then never get the opportunity to start the Master was just inconceivable to me. It was a risk I wasn't willing to take. I am happy with the choice, but it's very bittersweet, and I am not particularly proud it has to come to this.
I have started reading my first required book for the Master program before bed, mostly because I'm not sleeping well. It's a good thing I am getting a fresh early start at the literature, but it would be nice if it wasn't because of stress. Two of my close friends were both left by their partners of 8 and 4 years and both were married. Now I get to spend my weekends and even most weeknights with htme, talking about life, being miserable, and forgetting the world for a minute or two, but I wish it was under different circumstances. I wish i could give them their lives back and make it all go away, but I can't.
The same goes for my best friend Heather who now lives in Canada. I never get to see her, and I rarely get to speak to her, so I love any opportunity to speak with her and remind her how much I love her. I just wish it wasn't at 3am because she's not sleeping over the fact that her grandfather was just admitted to the same hospice her mom died at just a year ago and its causing so much stress that she and her dad are fighting all the time. I wish I could give her her life back, her family back, and take it all away. But I can't.
My best friend has a girlfriend. I'm so happy for him, I hope all goed well. But I don't think she likes me very much and I'm afraid I'm going to slowly lose touch with him and never see him again in the near future. I wish him all the happiness in the world, I just wish it wasn't so likely to come with miserable times for myself.
So where do you draw the line? Where do you take care of others, and where do you start thinking of yourself? When does it become selfish? When does it become foolish and unhealthy? And how can you tell?
I guess life is like money. It's overcomplicated and always has two sides. Mostly made up out of promises and representations rather than the real deal. It's time to start living again. For real. Not this routine we've become accustomed to, but life as it was designed. Tomorrow, I am doing something spontaneous. This week, I'm taking a walk in the woods, even if it's raining. Thursday I'm baking an enormous birthday cake for Yvette. I'm going to enjoy the now, instead of prepare for tomorrow. Who's coming with me?
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